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This week is all about keeping it real. I’m trying to feel the grief as it comes, instead of saving it all for later, because later I will need to be very strong.

I have cried for what seems like hours this week over a friend of a friend who lost her battle with cancer much too young. I met her when my oldest was just a month old baby. “My ovaries ache” she said when she held him. We all laughed and I just assumed the usual momentary urge all moms feel when they hold a newborn. I found out about her cancer later, and was so inspired by her courage and love of life.

What makes me so very sad is that she has a son, and I cannot imagine leaving my husband and my boys. They need me. I need them.

I’m standing in the empty house we bought on our very first wedding anniversary. I’m looking around the room where I brought home my newborn boys, nursed them through those hazy first days. I’m walking through the living room where Jack Jr. took his first toddling steps.

The card says “I’m not good at good-byes, so let’s just pretend we’re playing hide and seek… and you are going to be real hard to find. ”

Touché Hallmark. Touché. It’s going to take a while to find me.